AVALANCHE's Lonely Hearts Club Band
by Ronin2
Summary: A splendid time is guaranteed for all when Cloud & co. parody The Beatles in a New Year's Eve bash at The Gold Saucer. Also, check out some cast members from Final Fantasies 6, 8 and 10
1. Act 1

AVALANCHE'S LONELY HEARTS CLUB BAND  
  
Per usual, anything in cahoots with Final Fantasy is a trademark   
of Square, whatever you like it or not, while all the Beatle tunes  
used for the parodies were (c) Harrisongs for some of the late  
George Harrison tracks; all the others were (c) Northern  
Songs Ltd. and ATV Maclen , eh?  
  
Dedicated to the memory of George Harrison, aka "The  
Quiet Beatle."  
  
Remember--a splendid time is guaranteed for all.  
  
ACT 1  
  
(Our story takes place in the Event Square in the Gold  
Saucer, on New Year's Eve, for 2002, to welcome the  
new year of 2003. Right now, The Event Square is   
packed with characters from Final Fantasies 6 (3 in  
The United States), 8 and 10. On the stage, we see  
the FF7 crew set up--The Turks, Tseng and Elena with  
their violins, Reno and Rude with their cellos, Barret,  
Zack, Elmyra, Lucretia,Shera, Reeve, aka Cait Sith,  
Marlene and Red XIII, aka Nanaki on their horns,   
Cloud on his bass--and like Paul Mc Cartney, he DOES  
play left handed--, Cid and Vincent on their lead and   
rhythm guitars, Tifa and Yuffie on their synthesizers  
and Aeris on her drums. After a short sound check,  
Cloud approaches his mike stand (next to it is   
something short, covered up with a sheet), and  
talks to the audience.)  
  
Cloud: OK, all you jokers, you ready to party to  
welcome the new year of 2003?  
  
Audience: YEA!!  
  
Cloud: Then let's celebrate New Year's Eve with our   
tribute to The Beatles' immortal masterpiece  
known as Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band--  
along with a few other Beatle albums on the side  
from time to time.  
  
(The band tunes up in the standard chord of "A",  
and starts with the first tune.)  
  
AVALANCHE'S LONELY HEARTS CLUB BAND  
Parody of Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band  
Performed by Elmyra, Lucretia, Shera, Marlene  
& Barret Wallace  
  
Elmyra:  
It was 20 years ago today  
Barret Wallace taught the band to play  
They've been fightin' Shinra for so long  
an' believe you me, they can't go wrong  
So may I introduce to you, the group you've  
known for all those years:  
AVALANCHE's Lonely Hearts Club Band.....!!  
  
Horn section solo  
  
Chorus:  
We're AVALANCHE's Lonely Hearts Club Band  
We hope that you enjoy the show  
We're AVALANCHE's Lonely Hearts Club Band  
Kick back an' let that Lifestream flow  
AVALANCHE's Lonely, AVALANCHE's Lonely,  
AVALANCHE's Lonely Hearts Club Band  
Barret:  
We've dealt with Rufus Shinra....  
  
Lucretia:  
....along with Sephiroth......  
  
Shera:  
....not to mention Don Corneo.  
An' let's not forget Jenova,  
no, let's not forget her.  
  
Marlene:  
I don't truly wanna stop the show,  
but I'd just thought you all would like  
to know, that Nanaki's goin' to sing  
a song,  
an' he'd like it if you sing along.  
So may I introduce to you,  
the one an' only Red XIII,  
an' AVALANCHE's Lonely Hearts Club Band.  
(In the audience, we see Terra, Celes, Relm, Rikku and   
Selphie laugh at the way Red XIII plays his sax.)  
  
Chorus:  
Red..........XIII....!!  
  
WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM SETO  
Parody of With A Little Help From My Friends  
Performed by Red XIII  
  
Red XIII:  
What would you do if your grandfather died?  
Would you mope around cryin' the blues?  
Or would you howl in the night till you cried?  
You do that, an' you're just doomed to lose  
  
All:  
No, I get by with a little help from Seto  
I get high with a little help from Seto  
Goin' to try with a little help from Seto.  
  
Red XIII:  
What do I do if I meet The Gi Tribe?  
  
Chorus:  
You would stand your ground an'   
fight it out  
  
Red XIII:  
How do I feel when I've dealt with such jibe?  
  
Chorus:  
You fed up with Gi Nattak, no doubt?  
  
All:  
No, I get by with a little help from Seto  
I get high with a little help from Seto  
Goin' to try with a little help from Seto  
  
Chorus:  
Do you see anybody?  
  
Red XIII:  
I see it's just Sephiroth  
  
Chorus:  
Could it be anybody?  
  
Red XIII:  
It's just that cruel Sephiroth  
  
Chorus:  
Would you believe you were in Hojo's sight?  
  
Red XIII:  
Yup, I am sure that he'll get me on the spot  
  
Chorus:  
What do you see in that green Mako light?  
  
Red XIII:  
It's Jenova, with an evil plot  
  
All:  
Oh, I get by with a little help from Seto  
I get high with a little help from Seto  
Goin' to try with a little help from Seto  
  
Chorus:  
Do you see anybody?  
  
Red XIII:  
I see it's just AVALANCHE  
  
Chorus:  
Could it be anybody?  
  
Red XIII:  
It's just good ol' AVALANCHE  
  
All:  
Oh, I get by with a little help from Seto  
I get high with a little help from Seto  
Goin' to try with a little help from Seto  
I get by with a little help from Seto  
A little help from Seto.  
  
(The crowd joyously cheers while Red XIII takes his bows)  
  
Red XIII: Thank you!!  
  
(In the audience, we see Seifer talk with Raijin, Fujin,  
Kiros and Wakka.)  
  
Seifer: Well, not bad for a cat, I must say.  
  
Raijin: HEY!! Red XIII's a dog!! As in D-O-G, y' know.  
  
Fujin: DEFINITELY.  
  
Kiros: DUM DE DUM DUM.  
  
Wakka: I hope he can also play blitzball, ja?  
  
(Just then, Lulu approaches the group.)  
  
Lulu: Hey, any of you jokers seen my voo doo  
dolls?  
  
Fujin: WOO DOO?  
  
Lulu: No, voo doo--V-O-O, D-O-O--as in Wall Of.  
  
Kiros: VOO DOO?!? Great Googa Mooga!!   
LEMME OUTA HERE!!!!  
  
Wakka: Get back here, you chicken, ja?  
  
Seifer: Boy, an' I thought Zell was the only  
Chicken-Wuss 'round here......  
  
Zell's voice: I heard that, Seifer!!  
  
Raijin: Hey--the walls got ears, 'y know.  
  
Fujin: AFFIRMITIVE.  
  
Lulu: DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNN DUUMMMMMM.....  
  
(The audience turns its attention back to the  
stage, just as Lucretia talks.)  
  
Lucretia: Movin' right along, we got a sad tale of the   
cruelties of the Shinra doc we all love to hate--Hojo.  
  
(The band launches into the tune.)  
  
HOJO IN THE LAB WITH SHINRA  
Parody of Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds  
Performed by Lucretia  
  
Lucretia:  
Picture yourself on the backstreets of Midgar  
with Mako drenched air an' polluted skies  
At Shinra H. Q., a scientist works there,  
a man with bespectacled eyes  
He an' I were married years ago,  
an' we gave birth to a son  
My spouse was Hojo, an' our son was  
called Sephiroth.  
  
All:  
Hojo in the lab with Shinra  
(repeat x3)  
Oh...........  
  
Lucretia:  
In his lab, Hojo would prepare The  
SOLDIERs,  
injectin' them Mako an' Jenova cells  
One SOLDIER named Zack, had a friend  
named Cloud, and Hojo put those two  
through Hell.  
Iflana an' Aeris were once captured,  
for Shinra's unholy tests  
They made their escape to Sector 9  
an' were gone.  
  
All:  
Hojo in the lab with Shinra  
(repeat x3)  
Oh...............  
  
Lucretia:  
Picture yourself on The Sister Ray   
platform  
where Hojo' s preparin' a real big  
surprise  
And it was Cloud and his friends  
that stopped Hojo--  
the man with bespectacled eyes.  
  
All:  
Hojo in the lab with Shinra  
(repeat x3)  
Oh.................  
(repeat x4 to big end, finishing  
with Aeris adding a slight cymbal shimmer  
for the coda. The crowd cheers while   
Lucretia grins)  
  
Lucretia: Thank you.......(to Vincent)  
Hey, Vinny, you got the lotto tickets?  
  
Vincent: Definitely.  
  
(While the FF7 crew is preparing for the next tune,  
Tifa, Aeris and Yuffie can be heard; Aeris' giant drumkit,  
which features two bass drums, a snare drum, seven tom   
toms, twelve cymbals, a high hat cymbal, a tabla, a conga   
drum, a pair of timbales, two pedal operated kettledrums,   
four roto toms--special drumheads tuned by rotation--  
eight electronic drums, four mark tree chimes, a series of  
tubular bells and one huge gong, is flanked between Tifa and  
Yuffie's hefty quota of synthesizers, electric pianos and  
effects equipment.)  
  
Tifa: So, you an' Reno, how will you welcome the new year?  
  
Yuffie: If I know Reno, he'll just get his own self almost drunk  
while we eat nachos. Gimme diet soda anytime!!  
  
Aeris: I just hope New Year's Eve can help me forget the  
nightmare I had last night.  
  
Yuffie: Nightmare?  
  
Aeris: Last night I dreamt I was first carried off by   
Hojo, then I was carried off by Rufus, then I was carried  
off by Sephiroth, and last of all, I was carried off by  
Jenova.  
  
Tifa: What a nightmare!!  
  
Aeris: That wasn't the real nightmare--the worst part of  
it all was, none of them was Cloud in disguise.  
  
Yuffie: I don't get it.  
  
(At that time, the band is ready; Cloud is tuning his bass   
strings, Cid is readying his electric guitar, Vincent is  
set with his, along with a tamboura--a East Indian  
instrument--, while the rest of the group is ready.  
Cid steps up to the mike.)  
  
Cid (to the audience): OK, you %@#$^&*, you ready?  
  
Cloud: Cid!! How many times must we tell you 'bout your  
potty mouth?!?  
  
Cid: I dunno......I thought you were keepin' score.  
  
Barret: 'Jus keep that potty mouth in the potty where  
it belongs.  
  
Cid: Grr.....I oughta crush your head like a grape,   
scumbucket....'sides, you're a potty mouth  
yourself......  
  
Barret: 'Jus get wit' the program, 'foo!!  
  
Vincent (muttering): The Beatles never had  
problems like these.  
  
Tseng: I got news for you--they DID.  
  
Elena: No wonder Paul Mc Cartney said his plan was to  
grow up when he recorded his Mc Cartney solo album....  
  
(In the end, the band DOES get ready, and Cid begins.)  
  
Cid: OK, you fellow Final Fantasies, you got days when  
they got lousy? I did.  
  
(From there, AVALANCHE plays)  
  
GETTING LOUSY  
Parody of Getting Better  
Performed by Cid Highwind  
  
All:  
It's getting lousy all the time  
  
Cid:  
I used to live in Rocket Town  
  
All:  
No, I can't complain  
  
Cid:  
The Shinra execs got me down  
  
All:  
No, I can't complain  
  
Cid:  
They took my airship, an' called me a drip,  
an' took my rocket an' my plane!!  
  
All:  
I admit, it's getting lousy,  
It's getting lousy, all the time  
(It couldn't get much worse)  
Sure, I'll admit, it's getting lousy  
it's getting lousy, since Shinra's time   
  
Cid:  
I am a foul mouthed, smokin' man,  
an' travelin' with Cloud through the land  
With Sephiroth loose, we'd better  
vamvoose, an' kick his BUT-TOCKS  
outa here  
  
All:  
I admit, it's getting lousy,  
It's getting lousy, all the time  
(It couldn't get much worse)  
Sure, I'll admit, it's getting lousy  
it's getting lousy, since Shinra's time   
It's getting so much lousy all the time  
It's getting lousy all the time  
  
Tifa, Aeris & Yuffie:  
Lousy, lousy, lousy  
  
All:  
It's getting lousy all the time  
  
Tifa, Aeris & Yuffie:  
Lousy, lousy, lousy  
  
(At that moment, during the next verse, Vincent plays  
a droning note on the tamboura, while Aeris plays the   
congas.)  
  
Cid:  
I used to be cruel to poor Shera,  
for you see, she kept me apart  
from my dream into space  
Boy, I felt mean, till she came  
on the scene, an' saved me  
from that Tank No. 8.  
  
All:  
But I admit, it's getting lousy,  
It's getting lousy, all the time  
(It couldn't get much worse)  
Sure, I'll admit, it's getting lousy  
it's getting lousy, since Shinra's time   
It's getting so much lousy all the time  
It's getting lousy all the time  
  
Tifa, Aeris & Yuffie:  
Lousy, lousy, lousy  
  
All:  
It's getting lousy all the time  
  
Tifa, Aeris & Yuffie:  
Lousy, lousy, lousy  
  
All:  
It's getting so much lousy all the time.  
(The crowd goes hog wild after the tune, cheering on, while   
Cid lights up and smokes a cigarette--but in the audience,   
we see Rinoa with Squall and Ellone.)  
  
Rinoa: Hey, that guy's a nut, how 'bout an egg?  
  
(Rinoa hurls the egg, and it hits Cid in the face.)  
  
Cid: HEY!! Who the %@#*$^& threw that egg?!!? Come on,  
you!! I'll kick your &^*%@#$ BUT-TOCKS outa the Gold   
Saucer special delivery!!  
  
Squall: Rinoa!! What chuu do that for?!?  
  
Rinoa: For free.  
  
Ellone: That wasn't funny, Rinoa!! It was downright mean!!  
  
Rinoa: You dare defend that locker room mouthed dude?  
Whatever......  
  
Squall: That was my line!!  
  
(While Cloud and Shera try to help Cid wash his face from   
the egg, Vincent calms the crowd.)  
  
Vincent: It's intermission time folks. Our New Year's Eve   
performance will pause for a moment, so let's take a break,   
and we'll carry on with Act 2 later!!  
  
Coming up: Act 2, with more Beatle parodies from the FFVII   
crew!! 


	2. Act 2

ACT 2  
  
(After the intermission, everyone is back; Aeris adjusts her  
headset mike before taking up her drumsticks while Tifa and   
Yuffie do the same with theirs prior to settling down to their   
synths. With everyone else in the FFVII crew ready, Tifa   
directs her words to the audience.)  
  
Tifa: Get ready, you jokers, it's time to rock!!  
  
Aeris: Or somethin' like it.  
  
Tidus' voice (from the audience): Can we get on with it?  
  
Tifa: OK, hit it!!  
  
Zack: Huh?  
  
Red XIII: Play the tune.  
  
(And play the tune they do--a parody of Earth, Wind  
& Fire's cover of The Beatles' Got To Get You Into  
My Life--sorry, I prefer that version better.)  
  
GOT TO GET YOU, JENOVA-LIFE  
Parody of Got To Get You Into My Life  
Performed by Tifa Lockheart & Aeris  
Gainsborough  
  
Tifa:  
Got to get you, Jenova-LIFE,  
get you, Jenova-LIFE.  
  
Aeris:  
Got to get you, Jenova-LIFE,  
get you, Jenova-LIFE.  
  
Tifa:  
I was alone, in Nibelheim  
I didn't know what I would see there  
So overwrought, from Sephiroth,  
when 5 years ago, he slashed me there  
  
Oh----an' then me an' Cloud would see her  
Oh----an' Seph said that he'd need her,  
for their trip to The, Promised Land.  
  
Aeris:  
I didn't run, I didn't cry  
I knew Seph's intent was to stab me.  
It's better than that Corneo, when that pervert  
would tried to grab me.  
  
Oh----then Jenova made the scene  
Oh----the battle was extreme  
After that, I was placed, in the lake.  
  
All:  
Got to get you, Jenova-LIFE  
Got to get you, Jenova-LIFE  
(repeat x4)  
  
Guitar solo (from Vincent, no less)  
  
Tifa:  
Oh----an' then me an' Cloud would see her  
  
Aeris:  
Oh----an' Seph said that he'd need her,  
  
Tifa & Aeris:  
for their trip to The, Promised Land.  
Aeris:  
What can we do? What can we say  
'bout the crisis from the sky that came?  
  
Tifa:  
Sephiroth, claims she's his mom,  
so let's stop her, somehow, just the same  
  
Aeris:  
Oh----we stopped Jenova for good  
  
Tifa:  
Oh----did we tell you that we could....  
  
Aeris & Tifa:  
....defeat Sephiroth, our own way?  
  
All:  
Got to get you, Jenova-LIFE  
Got to get you, Jenova-LIFE  
(repeat x4)  
  
Tifa:  
I was alone, in Nibelheim  
I didn't know what I would see there  
So overwrought, from Sephiroth,  
when 5 years ago, he slashed me there  
  
Aeris:  
Oh, an' me an' Cloud would see her  
Oh, an' Seph said he'd need her.....  
  
All:  
Got to get you, Jenova-LIFE.....  
  
(The instant the FFVII band finishes that tune, the  
crowd erupts in cheering. In the audience, we see  
Celes, Terra, Laguna, Kiros and Ward.)  
  
Celes: Boy, tonight's performance sure was a pip.   
  
Laguna: You said it. It's a shame Aeris an' Tifa   
were spoken for--they've could've been mine.  
  
Kiros: Maybe somethin' good may come your way,  
who knows? (to Ward) What do you think, Ward?  
  
(Ward responds by whistling, "cuckoo, cuckoo.")  
  
Laguna (shaking his head): So funny, I forgot to  
laugh.  
  
Celes: I wish I could help you out, but, I am engaged to  
Locke......(sighs)....if only he would get a better job;  
somehow, I don't think a thief--  
  
Locke's voice: TREASURE HUNTER!!  
  
Celes: --is the right way to bring home the bacon.  
  
Terra: Maybe I can help........(to Laguna) wanna party  
wit' me after the show, Prez Laguna?  
  
Laguna (blushing): Well....why not?  
  
Kiros: Imagine that....  
  
(Ward grins, while back on the stage, Cloud and co.  
get ready for the next tune.)  
  
Cloud (to the audience): OK, let's get energized with  
our homage to the shoddiest, crummiest an' slummiest  
city--Midgar.  
  
(While the crowd cheers, the FFVII band rocks with   
a wild Chuck Berry/Beach Boysesque tune, starting   
with Yuffie playing digital samples of the Shinra's alarm   
klaxon, before playing in a rocking way.)  
  
BACK IN THAT CRUMMY MIDGAR  
Parody of Back In The U. S. S. R.  
Performed by Cloud Strife  
  
Cloud:  
Oh.......!!  
Flew in from North Corel onboard  
the Highwind--  
didn't get to bed last night.  
On the way, Yuffie the ninja wunderkind,  
she just had a queasy flight.  
  
All:  
We're back in that crummy Midgar  
We know that Shinra's gone too far, boy  
Back in that crummy Midgar.  
  
Cloud:  
Been away so long we hardly miss the place  
It ain't good to be back home.  
Let's go tell that Rufus to get off our case  
Aeris, disconnect the phone.  
  
All:  
We're back in that crummy Midgar  
We know that Shinra's gone too far, boy  
Back in that crummy,  
back in that crummy,  
back in that crummy Midgar.  
  
Well those Honey Bee girls sure knock  
me out,   
an' leave Kalm Town benind  
an' Wall Market makes me sing an' shout,  
that Tifa Lockheart's Seventh Heaven is  
always on my own mind.  
  
(Cid plays the guitar solo, while doing a   
Chuck Berry duck walk.)  
  
Locke (in the audience): Rock out, Cid!!  
  
All:  
We're back in that crummy Midgar  
We know that Shinra's gone too far, boy  
Back in that crummy Midgar.  
  
Well those Honey Bee girls sure knock  
me out,   
an' leave Kalm Town benind  
an' Wall Market makes me sing an' shout,  
that Tifa Lockheart's Seventh Heaven is  
always on my own mind.  
  
Cloud:  
Show me those Mako Reactors way down  
south  
Take me to Choco Bill's farm.  
Lemme see those ol' Gelinkas flyin' out  
Come an' keep your SOLDIER warm.  
  
All:  
We're back in that crummy Midgar--hey!!  
We know that Shinra's gone too far, boy  
Back in that crummy Midgar.  
  
Cloud:  
Oh, oh, oh, oh.....lemme tell you somethin'.  
Hey, we're back....!!   
  
Yuffie, Aeris & Tifa:  
Oooo, oooo, oooo.....  
(repeat x4)  
  
(Towards the end of the tune, Cid ignites  
a Fire 3 on Rinoa's butt; she jumps up running   
all over Event Square.)  
  
Rinoa: YEE-OUCH!! FIRE, FIRE!! HUH, HUH,  
HUH, HUH!!  
  
(Near one far wall of Event Square, Rinoa  
spots a drinking fountain, and sits on it,   
drenching her now doused butt with ice water,   
putting out the fire, just as the tune finishes.)  
  
Quistis: Rinoa!! Stop messin' 'round here an' get   
back here!!  
  
Rinoa: Would you mind waitin' till I put my butt out  
first?  
  
(The band gets ready for the next tune, while Cid  
smirks at the hapless Rinoa.)  
  
Cid (muttering): Now we're even for that egg you  
threw at me....  
  
(Meanwhile, Reeve, the creator of Cait Sith, is fixing   
the cat and his Mog.)  
  
Zack: You fixin' Cait Sith?  
  
Reeve: You betcha--in fact, it's the next tune to play.  
  
(With that in mind, the band plays the tune, while   
Reeve, using a remote, controls Cait Sith to strut  
'round the stage.)  
  
FIXING CAIT SITH  
Parody of Fixing A Hole  
Performed by Reeve  
  
Reeve:  
I am fixing Cait Sith, as a Shinra spy,  
before I send it to Cloud's bunch,   
before they go.  
  
In Gogonga Town, they're searchin'   
for Zack.  
an' Tifa's right now wonderin':  
"Where did Zack go?"  
  
An' it truly doesn't matter, if I am a wimp  
Just don't call me a gimp.  
I ain't no gimp.  
See that Scarlet actin' like she's so stuck up,  
yet never wins.  
No wonder her Proud Clod was such a bust  
  
I've got The Keystone, to deliver to Tseng,  
an' no doubt Cloud is wonderin',  
where he might go.  
Hey!! Hey!!  
  
(During the solo, Reeve does a jig with his  
Cait Sith creation, while the audience laughs.)  
  
Reeve:  
An' it truly doesn't matter, if I am a wimp  
Just don't call me a gimp.  
I ain't no gimp.  
Stupid Rufus hopes to use that Sister Ray,  
to wipe out Sephiroth's crater an' that  
WEAPON.  
  
I've led the people, safely out of Midgar  
before Meteor crashes down.  
So let's all go....!!  
  
I am fixing Cait Sith, as a Shinra spy,  
before I send it to Cloud's bunch,   
before they go.  
Before they go.......  
  
(Reeve and Cait Sith bow to the cheering crowd,  
but in the audience, Wakka--with Tidus, Rikku,  
Irvine, Zell and Selphie--is booing and hissing.)  
  
Wakka: BOOOOOO!! HISSSSSSSS!!!! BOOOOO!!!!  
  
Tidus: Hey, don't be a sourball. I thought that tune ruled.  
  
Wakka: But that dude used a machina Mog, ja?!? Only  
the stupid Al Bhed use machina, ja?  
  
Rikku (testily): I BEG YOUR PARDON!!  
  
Wakka (sheepishly): Sorry. No offense....  
  
Zell: How much you wanna bet there'll be hot dogs at   
the New Year's Eve bash afterwards?  
  
Selphie: Bet heavily on it. WHOO-HOO!!  
  
Irvine: We're there, Selph.  
  
(Back on the stage, Marlene, getting ready with her harp,  
talks to the crowd.)  
  
Marlene (to the audience): Remember the time when Cloud  
had to sneak out of Aeris an' Elmyra's house in Sector 5?  
Well, here's the story.  
  
(With just Marlene playing her harp, The Turks playing  
their strings and Aeris playing the tubular bells, it's time  
for the next tune.)  
  
CLOUD'S LEAVING HERE  
Parody of She's Leaving Home  
Performed by Marlene Wallace  
  
Marlene:  
Friday morning at 5:00 A. M.  
here in Sector 5,  
Cloud is now closin' the bedroom  
door,  
an' leavin' the note that he hoped   
would say more.  
He goes downstairs to the kitchen  
clutchin' his Buster Sword  
Quietly turnin' the front door key,  
steppin' outside, he is free.  
  
All:  
He,  
  
Marlene:  
We gave Cloud most of our gil,  
  
All:  
is leavin',  
  
Marlene:  
sacrificed our Hi Potions,  
  
All:  
here.  
  
Marlene:  
an' gave him everything that  
Square could buy.  
Cloud's leavin' here to go back  
to Tifa, an' AVALANCHE too,  
bye, bye.  
An' meanwhile, back at Sector 5,  
Aeris just gets up.  
Picks up the letter just lyin' there,  
standin' alone at the top of the  
stairs,   
she breaks down an' sobs to Elmyra:  
"Mommy, my sweet Cloud's gone!!  
Why would he treat me so thoughtlessly?!?  
How could he do that to me?!?"  
  
All:  
He  
  
Marlene:  
We know Cloud's a spikey head  
  
All:  
is leavin'  
  
Marlene:  
Why is Cloud a spikey head?  
  
All:  
here.  
  
Marlene:  
But then, it's his trademark gimmick, no doubt.  
Cloud's leavin' here to go back  
to Tifa, an' AVALANCHE too,  
bye, bye.  
Friday morning at 9:00 P. M., down in Sector  
5,  
Aeris is waitin' to meet up with Cloud  
At least she didn't scold him so loud  
  
All:  
He  
  
Marlene:  
We know that Cloud loves Aeris  
  
All:  
is havin'  
  
Marlene:  
She is Cloud's Final Fantasy  
  
All:  
fun.  
  
Marlene:  
Fun is the one thing in a RPG  
Romance is the flair that makes  
bucks for Square's Final Fantasy,  
bye, bye.  
Cloud's leavin' here, bye, bye.  
  
(The crowd cheers big time while Marlene  
blows a kiss.)  
  
Marlene: Thanks....  
  
(At the left end of the stage, Reno is talking   
with Rude.)  
  
Rude: So what chuu goin' to do for your New  
Year's resolution?  
  
Reno: What else but have a drink to The Turks  
an' party with my Yuffers.  
  
Rude: As in Yuffie, no doubt.  
  
Reno: Yup.  
  
(In the audience, Edea is seen talking with Cyan,  
Edgar and Auron.)  
  
Cyan: I must say, I didn't think that Aeris had the   
talent to play those drums.  
  
Edgar: It just goes to show how talented those Cetra   
can be. By the way, did you hear 'bout the time I once  
tied bananas to the ceiling fan and shot Ultima blasts  
at them?  
  
Edea: No kiddin'?  
  
Edgar: No foolin'.  
  
Auron: You wanna hear somethin' wacky? I heard  
that Yuffie was trying to dust an overhead ceiling  
fan, and she stepped up on the ladder--and stuck  
her head in the fan by accident. (imitates the   
spinning fan blades) Drrrrrrrrrrrrrr........!!  
(imitates the fan blades hitting Yuffie's head)  
Duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh......!!  
Which, by the way, had no bananas tied to it.  
  
Edea: Yes, we have no bananas.   
  
(They all laugh, while back on the stage, Elmyra  
talks to the crowd.)  
  
Elmyra (to the crowd): People, it's time to point   
out that all proceeds from the money we got in  
ticket sales for tonight's performance will be   
donated to The Nibelheim Home For   
Homeless Chocobos--and all that being for the  
benefit of our own Cloud Strife--or is that Mr.   
Strife? (The audience laughs while the band plays   
the next tune.)  
  
BEING FOR THE BENEFIT OF MR. STRIFE!!  
Parody of Being For The Benefit Of Mr. Kite!!  
Performed by Elmyra  
  
Elmyra:  
For the benefit of Mr. Strife,   
there will be a show tonight   
in Event Square.  
The Wallaces will all be there,  
givin' Shinra quite a scare,  
what a dare!!  
Fightin' Rufus an' his Shinra  
cohorts, along with that crummy  
Sephiroth.  
For his life, Mr. Strife will save  
The Planet!!  
The celebrated Mr. S.,  
will take on, without any stress,  
that Demon's Gate.  
An' Cid Highwind, will smoke  
an' curse,   
while Mr. Strife gives them his worse,  
don't be late.  
Messers S. an' H. assure their big fans  
their game playin' will be second to none.  
On the scene, here's Red XIII, dancin'  
the waltz!!  
  
(While Red XIII, on four rollerblades, scoots   
from one end of the stage to the other, to the   
laughter of the howling audience, Tifa and Yuffie   
play on their organs, a swirling hurdy gurdy type  
of solo. After that, Elmyra resumes.)  
  
Elmyra:  
The game begins at twelve to six,  
when Mr. S. performs his tricks  
with Omnislash.  
An' Mr. H. will demonstrate  
some Limit Breaks he'll  
undertake in a quick flash  
Having been some days in preperation,  
a splendid time is guaranteed for all.  
With his life, Mr. Strife is toppin' the bill.  
  
(While the band plays on, Tifa and Yuffie  
play, in addition to their organs, their  
digital samplers which play a mix of   
circus calliope sounds, before playing  
a unique calliope coda to finish the tune,  
to the cheering of the crowd.)  
  
Elmyra: Thank you!! I sure gave it my all, eh?  
Anyhow, it's time for the next intermission,  
so we'll be back in time for Act 3, an' we hope   
you will too. So when we come back, be there or  
be Square--no pun intended......  
  
Coming up: more Beatle stuff FFVII style in Act 3!! 


	3. Act 3

ACT 3  
  
(Upon their return to the stage, the   
AVALANCHErs and The Turks make their  
way back to their instruments, when the   
audience howls with laughter; Tifa is  
puzzled.)  
  
Tifa: What?  
  
(Shera glances for a moment, before bursting  
into giggles.)  
  
Shera (giggling): Tifa, did you check your left   
foot just now?  
  
Tifa: Left foot? (Upon lifting her left foot, she  
discovers a long stream of toilet paper stuck  
to the sole of her left shoe.) What the--? Oh  
NO!! (Tears off the toilet paper off her foot  
and glares at the AVALANCHERS.) Any of  
you jokers that dare laugh at that gets his/  
her BUT-TOCKS whupped, eh?!?  
  
Zack: So much for good humor.......  
  
(With everyone readying their instruments,  
Vincent is back to his tamboura while Cloud  
is ready with a sitar. Aeris is back to her  
tabla, while Cid is standing by with a  
swordmandel, Marlene with a dilruba, and  
The Turks at their strings.)  
  
Vincent (to the audience): Welcome back, all.  
Lately, it's come to my attention, that a lot of   
fanfiction writers have been, over the many years,  
pairing me up with Yuffie. Now, while Yuffie is an  
attractive girl, she's spoken for, now that she's   
engaged to Reno of The Turks; as such, she and   
Reno BELONG together!! Besides, I WISH  
once and for all, that everyone would just get it  
right, that my only REAL love is Lucretia. So with   
that in mind, here's a tune that points it all out.  
  
LUCRETIA, I LOVE YOU  
Parody of Within You, Without You.  
Performed by Vincent Valentine  
  
Vincent:  
We were talkin' --'bout the fanfic writers worldwide.  
How they pair me--with Yuffie Kisaragi the ninja  
sweetie.  
They don't believe the truth--that Yuffietines suck--  
and Lucretia's mine.  
We were talkin'--'bout the time Hojo married you --  
and ruined me.  
After that, he sent me to sleep--for my sin.  
The tabloids--how they spread the word--'bout  
me and Yuffie.  
Try to realize Yuffie just ain't my type, no one else can  
make it change.  
And despite what Hojo did to me and you,  
right now, I say Lucretia, I DO love you.  
We were talkin'--'bout the rumors that Elvis wed  
me and Yuffie, in a Vegas wedding chapel--it's a lie--  
can't they see--I love Lucretia?  
First there was Aeris and Cloud--Tifa and Zack,  
along with Cid and Shera--  
Reno and Yuffie, they're so much in love, so  
right now, I say Lucretia, I DO love you.  
  
(After a remarkable solo, the tune finishes, to the cheers  
of the audience.)  
  
Vincent: Thanks. And namaste.  
  
(Lucretia runs up to Vincent, and the two share a kiss, to  
the hoots and cheers of the crowd.)  
  
Lucretia (murmuring, to Vincent): I love you too.........  
  
(In the audience, we see Tidus with Yuna and Rikku.)  
  
Tidus: That Vincent......he definitely qualifies as the  
George Harrison of AVALANCHE.  
  
Yuna: After the way he played that tamboura, I  
wouldn't doubt it.  
  
Rikku: What would they think of next?  
  
(As if in reply, Barret turns to the audience, and states  
the following.)  
  
Barret: What would we think of next? I'll tell you foos'  
what would we'd think of next--ME!! It's my turn--to tell   
you all that (A), there ain't no gettin' offa that train  
we're on till we reach the end of the line, an' (B), a tale  
of the BA-ADEST dude that caused so much trouble,  
next to the likes of Corneo, the Shinra, an' that   
STUU------------PID Jenova--Sephiroth.  
  
Audience: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Barret: FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO' !!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
(With that in mind, AVALANCHE and The Turks  
launch into the next tune.)  
  
SEPHY'S MASAMUNE  
Parody of Maxwell's Silver Hammer  
Performed by Barret Wallace  
  
Barret:  
Shinra's President,  
was a mean 'ol resident  
rulin' The Planet,  
usin' reactors to drain that Mako-oh-oh-oh.  
Then came Sephiroth,  
an' he was so overwrought  
with violent anger.  
An' he was here to get Ms. Jenova-ah-ah-ah.  
But first, he went to Shinra's office,  
an' sneaked up from behind.....  
  
All:  
Stab, stab, Sephy's Masamune came down,  
right through his back  
Stab, stab, Sephy's Masamune made sure  
he n'er came back.  
  
Barret:  
Ol' Tseng of The Turks,  
down inside The Temple works,  
with Ms. Elena,  
searchin' fo' that ol' Black Materia-ah-ah-ah.  
Still, at any rate, Tseng then asked her   
for a date.  
So Elena said,  
"Sure, Tseng, it's a date!!  
I would love to go-oh-oh-oh...."  
But when she hightailed it from the room,  
ol' Seph came from behind.......  
  
All:  
Stab, stab, Sephy's Masamune came down,  
right through his back  
Stab, stab, Sephy's Masamune made sure  
he n'er came back.  
  
Solo #1  
  
Barret:  
In the Cetra land,  
tragedy is close at hand;  
Aeris stands alone,  
prayin' for the Holy to save the day-ay-ay-ay.  
Cloud then took his stance, then he fell   
into a trance, with his sword held high,  
(with his sword held high)  
until he snapped out of it just in ti-i-i-ime.  
But when Aeris glanced up at Cloud's face,  
Sephiroth made his move.......  
  
All:  
Stab, stab, Sephy's Masamune came down   
right though her back  
Stab, stab, Sephy's Masamune made sure  
she n'er came back.  
  
Solo #2  
  
All:  
Masamune......  
  
(The crowd cheers a lot while Barret shoots up   
in the air, dum dum bullets from his gun arm.)  
  
Cid: Barret, you %@*#$^&!! Stop shootin' those &$#%@*^  
bullets before they hurt some one!!  
  
Barret: They're just dum dum bullets--they can't hurt no one.  
  
Cid: Sure--dum dum bullets from a dum dum like you.  
  
Barret: Grrrrrrr, you're a dead man, Highwind!!  
  
Cid: You %@#*&^$!!!!  
  
(Cid and Barret charge towards each other, only for  
Shera to stand between them.)  
  
Shera: Cid!! Barret!! Stop it!! You've gone nuts!!  
  
Cid: Butt out, Shera, you %@#$&*^!! All I wanna do is   
teach ol' B. W. here, some manners!!  
  
Barret: So back off, foo'!!  
  
Cid: HEY!! No one calls MY Shera names but ME!!  
  
Barret: Close yo' trap, foo'!!  
  
Shera: Hey, hey, hey, hey!! We're here to have fun,   
not fight!! Besides, it's my time to shine here!!  
  
Cid & Barret: YOU?!?  
  
Shera: Yup. (to the rest of AVALANCHE and The  
Turks) KICK IT!!  
  
(AVALANCHE, The Turks, and Cid and Barret start   
playing while Shera sings her lungs out to that effect.)  
  
PLAY TOGETHER  
Parody of Come Together  
Performed by Shera  
  
Shera:  
Start the Playstation, an' get my  
game controller,  
an' the Memory Card,  
an' my favorite game.  
But what game is right for me?  
There's no doubt it's got to be Final   
Fantasy.  
  
We love that Ehrgeiz, an' that Saga  
Frontier,  
as well, as Einhander, an' Chocobo  
Racing.  
But still, one thing, still rules, you see.  
One thing I can tell you, it's Final  
Fantasy.  
  
All:  
Play together, right now,  
for ol' Square.  
  
Shera:  
Square made its debut in the  
Nintendo world.  
Our first five games came out  
only in Japan there.  
Then came Final Fantasy 3,  
also known as Final Fantasy 6, you see.  
  
All:  
Play together, right now,  
for ol' Square.  
  
Solo  
  
Shera:  
Then FF7 came on The Playstation,  
along, with FF8, as well as FF9.  
Until PS2 came through for me--  
with the tenth installment of Final Fantasy.  
  
All:  
Play together, right now,  
for ol' Square.  
  
Shera:  
Play together......  
(repeat x4)  
  
(With the tune done, the audience cheers   
their best, and then Cid approches Shera.)  
  
Shera: Didn't think I could do it, eh?  
  
Cid: Shera........I love you.....you stupid   
*%@#$^&........  
  
Shera: Oh, Cid, you sweet talker, you....  
  
(As with Vincent and Lucretia, Cid and  
Shera kiss, unmindful of the hoots and  
cheers of the audience. And while we're  
on the subject, in the said audience,  
we see Kimari Ronso with Umaro, Shadow,  
Strago and Sabin.)  
  
Kimahri: Kimahri Ronso think Cid and Shera got  
good chance at marriage.  
  
Umaro: Urrrrrrgh!! Urrrrrrgh!!  
  
Sabin: How can you say that? That guy curses  
like a sailor, and smokes like a powder keg,  
and poor Shera just takes it like a robot!!  
  
Shadow: How do you think Ozzy and Sharon  
Osbourne got started?  
  
Strago: Marriages can be strange these days.  
  
(Back on the stage, it's time for the next tune;  
Tseng readies his violin and turns to the audience.)  
  
Tseng (to the audience): OK, you wanted the best,  
you got the best--AVALANCHE an' The Turks, so  
the time's come to profess my love for Elena.  
  
Elena: Me? Oh, Tseng, you shouldn't have.....!!  
  
(Needless to say, Tseng and Elena become the   
third couple to kiss before the audience.)  
  
Rude: Hey, come on, you two, break it up, we've  
got a tune to do.  
  
Reno: If not sooner.  
  
Tseng & Elena: Sorry.  
  
(From there, AVALANCHE and The Turks play what  
could be considered as one of three love parodies in   
our tale here.)  
  
ELENA  
Parody of Oh!! Darling  
Performed by Tseng of The Turks  
  
Tseng:  
Elena, please believe me,  
I'll never flirt with Aeris.  
Believe me when I tell you,  
I'll never flirt with Aeris.  
  
Elena, just don't snub me.  
You're the sweetest Turk for me  
Believe me when I beg you,  
just don't say it's "GAME OVER."  
  
When you found out that Sephiroth went an' stabbed me,  
well I knew you nearly broke down an' cried.  
When you found out that Sephiroth went an' stabbed me,  
well I knew you nearly broke down an' died.  
  
Elena, it wasn't Cloud,  
that stabbed me in The  
Temple.  
Believe when I tell you,  
it was that Sephiroth dude.  
  
When I found out that Corneo bound you to Da-chao,  
well you know I nearly blew up an' cursed  
When I found out that Corneo bound you to Da-chao,  
well you know, I had to save you soon first.  
  
Elena, please believe me,  
I'll never flirt with Aeris.  
Believe me when I tell you,  
I'll never flirt with Aeris.  
  
Elena: Oh, Tseng........you DO love me......!!  
  
Tseng:Yup.  
  
(Once again, to the delight of the crowd, Tseng  
and Elena kiss. Meanwhile, it's back to Rikku,  
Tidus, Wakka and Yuna.)  
  
Rikku (dreamily): Mmmmmmm........ain't love  
grand........? (To Yuna, in Al Bhed) E muja  
oui, Yunie........  
  
Yuna: Oh, be a fine girl, kiss me......  
  
(Yuna and Rikku kiss each other's face cheeks)  
  
Wakka: HEY!! You're cousins!!  
  
Yuna: Listen, you never heard of kissin' cousins?  
  
Tidus: What was it you said to Yuna in Al Bhed?  
  
Rikku: Believe it or not, I just said "I love you"  
to Yunie.  
  
Tidus: Sorry I asked.  
  
Wakka: Amen, ja?  
  
(Back on the stage, Elena announces the  
next tune.)  
  
Elena: We got a request from the WEAPONs  
to pay tribute to them with the latest parody.  
With that in mind, let's salute those that were  
created by The Planet.  
  
WEAPONS  
Parody of Piggies  
Performed by Elena of The Turks.  
  
Elena:  
Have you seen the giant WEAPONs  
hidin' in the dirt?  
An' for all the giant WEAPONs,  
life is gettin' worse--  
always bent on tearin' up The Planet.  
  
Have you seen the Emerald WEAPON  
in the deep blue sea?  
Along with that Sapphire WEAPON,  
who is runnin' free--  
until he was stopped by The Sister Ray.  
  
Diamond WEAPON's up an' abound  
Ultimate WEAPON's on the loose.  
Ruby's hidin' without a sound  
Time to summon Knights Of The Round!!  
  
Everywhere there's lots of WEAPONs,  
livin' WEAPON lives.  
You can see them in the crater  
with their WEAPON wives,  
usin' their hyper lethal Aire Tam Storm.  
  
(Using one of her digital samplers, Tifa plays  
the sound of Ultimate WEAPON's growl.   
After that, the crowd cheers.)  
  
Elena: Thank you.  
  
(In the audience, we see the WEAPONs,  
Ultimate, Sapphire, Ruby, Emerald and  
Diamond cheering.)  
  
Gogo: We're goin' to a gogo!!  
  
Ultimate, Sapphire, Ruby, Emerald  
& Diamond WEAPON: WEAPONs rule!!  
  
Mog: Down in front!!  
  
(Back on the stage, we see Reno and Rude.)  
  
Reno: OK, group, me an' Rude, we'll all do a   
two parody medley of first, that crummy Don  
Corneo, who we fixed his wagon....  
  
Rude:.....an' the place we love to hang out in  
our spare time--the one an' only Costa del Sol.  
  
(With the crowd cheering, AVALANCHE  
and The Turks launch into the first half of the   
medley.)  
  
MEAN DON CORNEO  
Parody of Mean Mr. Mustard  
Performed by Reno of The Turks  
  
Reno:  
Mean Don Corneo owns Sector 6  
an' gets his kicks, ownin' The Wall Market.  
Always wears that Mohawk cut,  
an' paradin' that fat gut.  
What a crazy cuckoo bird nut  
  
All:  
Such a mean ol' man.  
Such a mean ol' man.  
  
Reno:  
His new pet Rapps, is on the scene,  
she's, oh so keen, with her Aero3.  
For she's the Lessaloploth Queen.  
Da-chao was where she was last seen,  
an' Corneo's clock we did clean.  
  
All:  
Such a dirty ol' man  
Dirty ol' man.  
  
(The crowd--along with Rapps--cheers   
while the second half of the medley starts.)  
  
COSTA DEL SOL  
Parody of Polythene Pam  
Performed by Rude of The Turks  
  
Rude:  
Well you should see Costa Del Sol,  
built with that ol' man Shinra's giant  
bankroll.  
You should had seen that Hojo,   
when he had no place to go.  
So you should see Costa Del Sol.  
  
All:  
Yea, yea, yea.  
  
Rude:  
Get a dose of drinks tonight at the bar.  
At Cloud Strife's Villa, you just can't go too far.  
Elsewhere down at the waves, you can party with   
the babes,  
while that crazy Mukki thinks he's a big star.  
  
All:  
Yea, yea, yea.  
  
(While the audience cheers, Tifa turns to Cloud.)  
  
Tifa: That reminds me--we've got to clean up the villa  
after New Year's Day.  
  
Cloud: I'll keep that in mind, eh?  
  
Red XIII: Hey, Tifa, save me a grilled cheese sandwich  
afterwards, OK?  
  
Tifa: Sure thing.  
  
(During that time, Reno, along with his cello and his  
headset mike, makes his way to Yuffie's synth platform  
riser till he is next to her. After sharing a kiss, they   
turn to the audience.)  
  
Yuffie: We're gettin' to the end of the third act, so let's  
cap that with me an' Reno professin' our love to each other.  
  
Reno: An' if our love turns into a hunka hunka burnin'  
love, we can take them to Elvis in Vegas. Ready, Yuffers?  
  
Yuffie: YUP!!  
  
Reno: Then let's get started.  
  
(With that in mind, Yuffie, Reno, AVALANCHE  
and The Turks do their thing.)  
  
WHEN I AM TWENTY FOUR  
Parody of When I Am Sixty Four  
Performed by Yuffie Kisaragi &  
Reno of The Turks  
  
Reno:  
When I get older, still drinkin'  
booze, many years from now.  
  
Yuffie:  
Will we still dine at the cafeteria,  
an' then buy new materia?  
  
Reno:  
Would we kick butt with ol' Sephiroth,  
like we did before?  
  
Yuffie & Reno:  
Will you still need me?  
Will you steal from me,  
when I am twenty four?  
  
Yuffie:  
Some gal's wed Vincent  
an' her name's Lucretia;  
she's so heaven sent.  
I could be handy, with my talents,  
fightin' the Shinra  
  
Reno:  
My Electro Mag Rod an' your   
Conformer, we'll use to short  
their transformer.  
  
Yuffie:  
Then we'll bomb the Mako  
reactors--who could ask for more?  
  
Yuffie & Reno:  
Will you still need me?  
Will you steal from me,  
when I am twenty four?  
  
Reno:  
Every evening we can head to Wutai's  
Turtles Paradise, an' then Gold Saucer.  
We'll party like hell,  
with the best of our friends:  
Lulu, Relm an' Zell.  
Get with it an' use your PHS  
an' say you love me.  
  
Yuffie:  
I just LOVE a Turk in uniform, y' see.  
Oh, Reno, you're SO right for me!!  
  
Reno:  
Yuffie, I love you--that ain't no lie--  
mine forevermore.  
  
Yuffie & Reno:  
Will you still need me?  
Will you steal from me,  
when I am twenty four?  
  
(With the tune done, the audience cheers  
wildly while, once again, Reno and Yuffie  
share a kiss. After that, Reno hightails it back to  
The Turks. Back in the audience, we see Celes   
and Locke.)  
  
Celes: Now see, Locke, why can't we be like THOSE two?  
  
Locke: But that dude's a drunk an' that gal steals stuff.  
  
Celes: You should talk, the way you drink booze an'  
make like a thief yourself.  
  
Locke: TREASURE HUNTER!!  
  
Celes: Hoo boy. But I love you, just the same.  
  
Locke: Me too.  
  
(While Celes and Locke kiss, back on the stage,  
Tifa talks to the crowd.)  
  
Tifa: OK, it's time for the last intermission, so we   
hope to see you all back here for the fourth an' last act--  
it's an absolute pip!! See you soon!!  
  
Coming up: the last of the Beatle parodies, fortified with   
Final Fantasy 7 flavor!! 


	4. 4th & Last Act

4TH & LAST ACT  
  
(On the stage, we see Aeris and Cloud sharing a kiss,   
just as the audience arrives, and needless to say,   
they're hooting and cheering. Upon hearing that,   
Aeris and Cloud break the kiss.)  
  
Aeris (to the crowd): Oh!! We're back. Welcome back.  
  
(From there, she, Cloud, the AVALANCHERs and The  
Turks man their instruments.)  
  
Aeris (continued): S-O--------we're nearly down to  
the wire, an' we've got six tunes remaining. With that  
in mind, I'd like to dedicate the next parody to my  
late mother, Iflana--and I STRONGLY suggest you ready  
the Kleenex, for you see, it's a bona fide tearjerker,  
believe you me.  
  
(So AVALANCHE and The Turks play the tune, and   
already we can see tears form, starting with Yuffie.)  
  
WHILE IFLANA GENTLY WEEPS  
Parody of While My Guitar Gently Weeps  
Performed by Aeris Gainsborough.  
  
Aeris (sobbing):  
I remember when, the Cetra was still living,  
while Iflana gently weeps  
I was, born to be, sweet an' kind, always giving.  
Still Iflana gently weeps.  
  
But Jenova, soon interrupted, an' corrupted, our  
world.  
I don't know how that crazy Hojo  
used her for mojo.  
  
Then Hojo used me an' my Mom for his testing  
while Iflana gently weeps  
And while, I escaped, my poor Mom, was in death  
resting  
Still Iflana gently weeps.  
  
(While everyone, I mean EVERYONE--from AVALANCHE  
to The Turks, to the audience--is bawling their heads off,  
and sobbing big time, Cid, plays a fantastic solo on a  
Gibson Les Paul electric guitar, just like Eric Clapton did on   
The Beatles' While My Guitar Gently Weeps.)  
  
Aeris:  
I know that Cloud, had hoped to wed me.  
He'd never would dread me.  
I'd say to Cloud, "Will you marry me?  
But will you carry me?"  
  
I see The Lifestream, an' Holy, for The Planet  
while Iflana gently weeps  
I see Holy.....  
Still Iflana gently weeps........  
  
(Cid plays out the guitar solo to the end while  
we see a sobbing Dio backstage.)  
  
Dio: Good thing my Gold Saucer's got flood  
insurence.  
  
Aeris:  
While Iflana gently weeps........  
  
(The tune done with, everyone bawls out one  
last sob before pulling themselves together.)  
  
Aeris: Thank you..... (to Yuffie) Yuffie, get  
me some tissue.  
  
(In the audience, we see Quistis, Selphie, Ellone,  
Yuna, Rikku and Lulu sobbing.)  
  
Rikku: WHAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!! Poor Aeris!!  
  
Yuna: That was S-O SAD!!  
  
Ellone: BOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!  
  
Selphie: She was right--it WAS a bona (sob) fide tearjerker......  
  
Quistis: WHA HAH HAH HAH HAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!  
  
Lulu: (sob) Pass the kleenex............  
  
(In a matter of time, everyone is calmed down, and Yuffie   
announces the next tune.)  
  
Yuffie: OK, let's dedicate the next parody to one of our  
favorite Turks next to my Reno--the one an' only Rude.  
  
Rude: Who, me? Boy, oh boy, I am flattered. (blushes)  
  
Reno: Here's one for you, ol' bud.  
  
Yuffie: It's also a love tune for the gal ol' Rude boy TRULY likes--  
Jesse, of AVALANCHE.  
  
(In the audience, Jesse of the old AVALANCHE lineup blushes,  
and so does Rude.)  
  
HEY RUDE  
Parody of Hey Jude  
Performed by Yuffie Kisaragi  
  
Yuffie:  
Hey Rude, just don't get drunk  
Here comes Jesse, to make it better  
Remember, she'll never break your Turk heart  
She can now start, to make it better  
Hey Rude, don't be chicken  
Just tell Jesse, you wanna wed her  
The instant you express your love within,  
you can begin, to make it better.  
  
An' anytime you feel the pain, hey Rude, refrain  
Just carry a stash of that Hi Potion  
For well you know that it's a Turk, that makes it work  
by showin' you've got that ol' emotion.  
  
Hey Rude, don't let me down  
You've found Jesse, now go an' get her  
an' marry, in Vegas--that idea's smart,  
then you two start, to make it better.  
  
You've got ol' Reno on your side, hey Rude, I chide.  
Elena an' Tseng make up The Turk crew  
An' don't you know that you're so cool, hey Rude, you knew  
that bald dudes like you were born to be studs  
  
Hey Rude, break out your shades  
The time's come to make the game better  
You don't need those Game Shark cheat codes to win  
So let's begin to make it better, better, better,  
better, better, better--------OH!!!!!!!  
  
All:  
Duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh  
Duh, duh, duh, duh----hey Rude  
(repeat x7)  
  
(With the tune done, Jesse of AVALANCHE  
climbs up on the stage and she and Rude share  
a kiss. Back in the audience, we see Seltzer with Rinoa,  
Seifer, Raijin and Fujin.)  
  
Seltzer: So those two fell in love, eh? How  
'bout that?  
  
Rinoa: Come on, Seltzer, pay off.  
  
Seifer: The sooner, the better.  
  
Raijin: Let that be a lesson to you--  
never make bets with a bunch of   
Galbadians, y' know.  
  
Fujin: DEFINITELY.  
  
Seltzer: Hooboy.....  
  
(Back on the stage, Zack talks to the crowd,   
his trumpet in hand.)  
  
Zack: OK, let's get back into Sgt. Pepper mode for   
the rest of the night!! In case you didn't know,  
I dated Tifa long before Aeris, so let's pay homage to  
the supermodel AVALANCHE barmaid, the one an'  
only Tifa Lockheart!!  
  
(The crowd cheers while Tifa blows a kiss to Zack.)  
  
LOVELY TIFA  
Parody of Lovely Rita  
Performed by Zack "Buster"  
Gallowglass (with apologies to Square)  
  
All:  
Lovely Tifa, the barmaid  
Lovely Tifa, the barmaid  
  
Zack:  
Lovely Tifa, the barmaid  
Nuttin' can come between us.  
Ever since we first met in Gogonga  
At The Seventh Heaven one night,  
Tifa Lockheart came in my sight  
wearin' her black miniskirt an' her  
white tank top.  
Along with her black suspenders,  
she had gloves, as tough as fenders.  
She was born to kick butt with the   
Shinra's SOLDIER crew  
Lovely Tifa, the barmaid  
may I inquire discreetly,  
how do you do that Final Heaven break?  
  
Tifa....!!  
  
(Tifa plays a unique honky tonk solo on her piano.)  
  
Zack:  
Took her out, an' tried to win her  
in Junon, an' over dinner  
Told her, "Your love hits me like an Ultima blast."  
Got the bill, an' Tifa paid it,  
Took her home, I nearly made it,  
headin' on my way home on my Gold Chocobo.  
  
Oh, lovely Tifa, the barmaid,  
where would we be without you?  
She's the darling of good ol' Nibelheim.  
  
All:  
Lovely Tifa, the barmaid  
(repeat x4)  
  
(The tune done, the crowd cheers while--you guessed it--  
Tifa and Zack kiss. From there, Zack heads back to the  
horn section. In the audience, Strago is seen with Zell,  
Irvine, Relm and Squall.)  
  
Relm: Told you Tifa an' Zack would kiss after the tune,  
instead of before. That makes 558 gil which you owe  
me.  
  
Squall: Well, you can subtract it from the 806 gil you owe  
me for playing Triple Triad.  
  
Irvine: A shrewd move, Squall.  
  
Strago: What do you think Cloud's got covered up under that sheet  
near his mike stand?  
  
Zell: Beats me, but it's got something to do with those squib pin  
rigged balloon drops up overhead.  
  
Squall: Hey, don't give the plot away, eh?  
  
Zell: Sorry.  
  
Irvine: Y' know.....Celes was right--tonight's definitely a pip.  
  
Strago: Could be.  
  
(On the stage, Tifa talks to the crowd.)  
  
Tifa: OK, we've been through the bulk of our Beatle parodies   
here, and only three tunes remain, so hopefully it'll be  
downhill all the way. With that in mind, I ask you: how many times  
have you gotten a Game Over in any of our Final Fantasies? The  
next parody is dedicated to those that did just that. A word of  
advice: always save, and if it don't work, you can always push the  
reset button.  
  
(Using one of her digital samplers, Tifa plays the first opening  
notes of FFVII's Game Over theme before the rest of the band  
plays.)  
  
GAME OVER, GAME OVER  
Parody of Good Morning, Good Morning  
Performed by Tifa Lockheart.  
  
All:  
Game Over, Game Over, Game Over,  
Game Over, Game Over.  
  
Tifa:  
What do you do when you lose out, it's no doubt, hey.  
You lost a game, oh, what a shame, what a bad day.  
That dreaded screen, oh, how mean.  
So, next time, save your game, what a shame.  
  
All:  
Game Over, Game Over, Game Over.  
  
Tifa:  
Losin' sure sucks, you pay your bucks, for a Game Shark  
Sephiroth's tough, brutish an' rough, an' bite an' bark.  
His Super Nova's just toasted your hide.  
So you break out the kleenex till you've cried.  
But you hope to try again somehow  
an' someday win the game here an' now.  
  
All:  
Game Over, Game Over, Game Over.  
  
Tifa:  
After a day, you start to play, back on the track  
Sephiroth comes, but you don't give that dude no slack.  
Knights Of The Round soon kicks his butt.  
Then you Ommnislash his hair an' his gut.  
  
All:  
Game Over, Game Over, Game Over.  
  
Tifa:  
An' so, at last, you won the game that day  
You pulled through an' triumphed your own way  
Everyone you fought is unemployed  
Your bad luck streak is null an' void.  
Victory's yours, now that you've won, so let's all rave.  
Maybe next time you play, just remember to save.  
Take it from Square, you've got that flare  
to win a RPG, take it from me.  
  
All:  
Game Over, Game Over, Game Over.....  
Game Over, Game Over, Game Over.....  
  
(At the end of the tune, Tifa again plays the Game Over theme,  
just as Cid's guitar plays a note which signals the rest of the   
band to start the first half of the big finale.)  
  
Cid: Two, four, six eight.........!!  
  
(Aeris starts off with the opening drumbeats before the rest   
of the band kicks in. Then the horn section plays an Earth Wind   
& Fireesque intro.)  
  
AVALANCHE'S LONELY HEARTS CLUB BAND  
(REPRISE)  
Parody of Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band  
(Reprise)  
Performed by AVALANCHE & The Turks  
  
All:  
We're AVALANCHE's Lonely Hearts Club Band  
We hope that you enjoyed the show.  
We're AVALANCHE's Lonely Hearts Club Band  
We're sorry, but it's time to go.  
AVALANCHE's Lonely, AVALANCHE's Lonely,  
AVALANCHE's Lonely, AVALANCHE's Lonely,  
AVALANCHE's Lonely Hearts Club Band.  
We'd like to thank Square once again.  
We're AVALANCHE's one an' only Lonely Hearts  
Club Band.  
It's gettin' oh so near the end.  
AVALANCHE's Lonely, AVALANCHE's Lonely,  
AVALANCHE's Lonely Hearts....Club....Band.  
  
(After the cheering stops, the Event Square darkens  
and individual spotlights set on the band.....for it's time for  
the big finish with a parody of THE most famous of all the   
Beatles' Sgt. Pepper tracks......)  
  
A DAY WITH CLOUD STRIFE  
Parody of A Day In The Life  
Performed by Zack "Buster"  
Gallowglass & Cloud Strife  
  
Zack:  
I read The Shinra Times, oh boy,  
all 'bout a SOLDIER dude that failed his test.  
An' though the news was rather sad.  
Well, I just had to laugh.  
Cloud saw the photograph.  
The town of Nibelheim was burned  
Cloud knew that Sephiroth had caused the blaze.  
So Cloud went to the reactor,  
to save me an' Tifa.  
Now we know that Sephiroth had taken off with  
Jenova.  
I read The Shinra Times, oh boy.  
The Shinra army just bested Wutai.  
These days, Wutai's a resort town,  
an' yet, I felt no shame,  
having played the game.  
I'd love to pla-a-a-a-ay wi-i-i-ith you-u-u-u-u.......  
  
(From there, one by one, everyone plays each instrument,  
playing quietly, and building up loud while starting on the   
lowest note and climbing up to the highest, till it's an  
orchestral cresendo, with Aeris banging wildly on all her  
drums. Then-- it stops, and we hear Tifa's piano with   
Cloud's bass.Then after Zack rings an alarm clock bell,  
Cloud takes over the lead.)  
  
Cloud:  
Woke up, down in Midgar,  
got a drink, at Tifa's bar.  
Found my way down to the train station  
an' got onboard with Barret an' Tifa.  
We went to Reactor 5,  
hopin' we'd pull through alive,  
found our way upstairs an' set the bomb.  
Then a voice spoke an' I went into a dream.......  
  
Zack:  
Ah........ah, ah, ah........ah, ah, ah.......ah, ah.  
Ah..........ah.........ah.......  
I read The Shinra Times, oh boy.  
4,000 Chocobos in Rocket Town.  
An' though their tracks were rather small,  
they had to count them all.  
Now they know how many tracks it takes to fill  
Event Square Hall.  
I'd love to pla-a-a-a-ay wi-i-i-i-ith you-u-u-u-u.........  
  
(As before, AVALANCHE and The Turks build up on   
the noise and the notes till they're back at the  
orchestral cresendo, building up like it may never stop--  
and again, it comes to an instant stop....and that is   
when Tifa and Yuffie hit an E chord on their pianos,  
making a huge crash, while at the same time, Aeris bangs  
her gong with her Princess Guard. For a moment, we hear   
only the piano chord fade off.........and then Cloud blows a   
dog whistle, causing Red XIII, Angelo--Rinoa's dog--and   
Interceptor--Shadow's dog--to jump 'round and freak out.)  
  
Shadow: Interceptor!! Heel, boy, heel!!  
  
Rinoa: Angelo!! Bad dog!! What's with you?!?  
  
Red XIII: I wanna dance like pooperman, I wanna dance like pooperman....  
wait.....was that Sgt. Pepper's inner groove?  
  
Cloud: Yup.  
  
(Finally the crowd can cheer in the biggest way. Anyhow, Cloud  
pulls off the cover from the object next to his mike stand--  
and we can see it's a T. N. T. detonator plunger.)  
  
Cloud: Thank you....!! Right now, it's time......to welcome the new  
year known as 2003!! Is everyone ready?  
  
All: YUP!!  
  
Cloud: All together now, then!! 12 second countdown to the new  
year, starting now....!!  
  
AVALANCHE, The Turks & The Audience: 12, 11, 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5,  
4, 3, 2, 1, ZERO!!  
  
(At that moment, Cloud pushes down on the plunger, and while he   
and the band play Auld Lang Zine, the following events, triggered by the   
plunger take place--several fireworks and confetti salvos shoot up in the air,   
a series of squib pin bombs trigger a banner, located behind Aeris' drums, to  
roll down; it bears the Final Fantasy VII logo. Next, more confetti and streamer  
launchers, located overhead, blast their quota over the crowd and the band.  
Then the squib pin bombs also trigger huge balloon drops everywhere. And last of   
all, across the front of Aeris, Tifa and Yuffie's riser, a green neon sign, reading  
2003 lights up. It's an absolute cheering frenzy, while all the AVALANCHErs and  
The Turks come foward to the front of the stage.)  
  
Selphie: WHOO-HOO!!!! Balloon drops RULE!!!!!  
  
AVALANCHE & The Turks: HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Cloud: Thank you!! That is all!! Thank you for coming!! Good night, all of you!!  
  
Tifa: Let's PAAH-TAY!!  
  
Selphie: Hey, stupid, that was my line!!  
  
Tifa: Sorry.  
  
Aeris: Remember--a splendid time is guranteed for all!! GOOD NIGHT!!  
  
Reno & Yuffie: MAZELTOV!!  
  
Vincent: Namaste.  
  
(And so, AVALANCHE, The Turks and the audience depart till The Event  
Square is empty--and that is when we hear Dio over the P. A. system:)  
  
Dio's voice: Attention, ladies and gentlemen......AVALANCHE and The Turks  
have just left the building.  
  
Red XIII: Thank you very much.......  
  
OWARI (THE END) 


End file.
